Do you sometimes find you are spending more of your energy worrying and finding ways to avoid some discussions than thinking and planning the best way forward? It is something that regularly comes up when I am coaching new managers.
Before the excuses and avoidance techniques completely cloud our ability to think clearly about how to manage these situations, what can we do?
It is a basic human need to want to be liked, to belong, and not be rejected. We often try to avoid conflict because we don’t want, or know how, to deal with the other person’s response – or want to get it ‘wrong’.
What makes a potential discussion difficult for you? Is it the subject, the other person’s reaction or your own, or anxiety because you don’t like the uncertainty about how this conversation might go?
Try the following activity to think about how you frame different interactions with other people, what makes some of them more difficult than others – and what you can do to change that.
What different types of interaction do you have during your working week?
List them – for example, email, messaging, online or in-person one-to-ones or team meetings
How might you categorise the different types of interactions you have every day?
For example, by purpose, such as information giving, request making, reviewing or supporting others, giving feedback to team members or your manager
How might you rank the different types and categories of interaction through from positive to negative experiences?
Consider, for example, which you think of as challenging, enjoyable, neutral. Does this vary depending on type or category of interaction or who you are interacting with and the response you anticipate?
Are any patterns of behaviour emerging?
Once we start to identify when we are avoiding difficult conversations – and any real or assumed conflict – we can do something about it. We have the opportunity to reframe our perspectives, think differently and plan for those difficult conversations.
For example:
- Identifying desired outcomes: how can you reframe this discussion as an opportunity to move forward and enhance rather than damage professional relationships? Define and visualise a positive outcome, including how you want the other person to feel or respond by the end of the discussion – is there any room for flexibility from your perspective?
- Being authentic: how might you acknowledge your contribution to any problem or responsibility? Try to do this without making excuses and being defensive. Rather, state your contribution and avoid the follow-on BUT.
- Checking your assumptions: what assumptions might you be making? What are they based on? It is easy to apply our own feelings to others and misread situations or just not have all the necessary facts.
- Asking for help before the discussion if unsure about policy or processes: what do you need to know about if, for example, if this is a discussion about a possible performance or health issue and you will need to include others to implement support.
- Minding the action-reaction gap: how will you build in opportunities to pause and think before reacting, for both yourself and the other person, such as explaining that you are going to ask a few questions and then give the other person time to think about their response? How will you hold the space?
- Focusing on how you will listen: how will you show that you value the other person’s perspective and give them your undivided attention? How will you avoid distractions and not just listen to respond, but listen to understand? How will you check-in to make sure you have understood?
Planning ahead when you think a conversation might be difficult, means you will approach the discussion with more confidence and be more relaxed. The more you can reframe difficult conversations as opportunities to move forward, the less you will find yourself putting them off.
